Oops, ouch! Now, out of context, this may sound like phrases I mutter to myself when I accidentally run into different objects all the time, which is fairly accurate, but actually it was one of the core community agreements in my days of interfaith training.
I have made a lot of community agreements in my day, especially when I served as a nation-wide training coach in college for an organization then called Interfaith Youth Core. Every time we set up a room for training, we asked those gathered to help us list out principles that they wanted to be guided by to make sure this was a space where people could learn, grow, and accept that mistakes would be made along the way. We had a whole variety of guidelines, but “oops, ouch” was one we made sure to include every time because it created space for people to acknowledge when something that was said or done had hurt them. The other person would apologize, but not try to rationalize or defend. It didn’t matter if something was intentional or not, because usually it wasn’t, we all just acknowledged that this was a way for us to learn together and to respect our experiences.
It is this principle that I was thinking about this weekend as I was trying to figure out how this Gospel about forgiveness connects to our theme of Celebration Sunday… we couldn’t have gotten the Wedding at Cana or something a little more festive?! But, while Celebration Sunday is a celebration, I realized it is also so much more than that. It is an intentional time for us to come together as a community in this new season, to be in fellowship with one another, learn how we can be more connected, and ultimately think about what kind of gathering we want to be here. And, I think we all know that no matter how great the vision and hopes, being in community can have its challenges.
What I appreciate about the oops, ouch principal is that there is relationship on both ends. It isn’t just one person asking for forgiveness, but it has a clear naming of the hurt and the intention to not do that again. Because, I think this is so often the problem when it comes to today’s Gospel about forgiveness. Jesus has this harsh parable about what is going to happen if we don’t forgive others and it is way more times than Peter even expected. I’m sure Peter thought forgiving seven times was pretty generous. But, I’ve been wrestling with how to understand this in relation to community life and health of the body.
I’ve been wrestling with these things because I don’t like feeling manipulated or coerced. I don’t think most people do, and so this forced forgiveness so that we don’t fear God doesn’t sit well with me. Yes, I know that we forgive because God forgave us, just like we love because God first loved us, but I think our current understanding of forgiveness is often lacking boundaries and accountability. It allows systems of harm to continue and essentially puts a bandage over the wound, but doesn’t help heal it, because there is an unnamed or sometimes even named pressure to forgive because that is what God wants us to do. In fact, there was a time in high school where I felt like I couldn’t be a pastor because I struggled with forgiveness.
And, I know that forgiveness is easier at times and more difficult at others. There are a lot of factors at play, such as the severity of the harm done, was it intentional, was it the first time or was it the tenth time. It’s really hard for me to have a blanket statement about forgiveness when there are so many other factors at play. This parable about forgiveness is about being in a genuine relationship with one another, set inside Jesus’ sermons about what it means to be a healthy community. So, maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think Jesus would want harm to continue unchecked in the name of “forgiveness.” I think God created us to be social creatures, but also to know when we have to protect ourselves. We are free to put up boundaries; to offer forgiveness while also saying that we won’t let those actions continue. Because, I think repentance, a turning around from one’s actions, should be included in this note about forgiveness. I don’t think we should be forced to endure and forgive the same harm over and over again; I could be wrong, but I don’t think that is something that our God who desires abundant life for us would want either.
And, I think over the years it has been a common misconception that offering forgiveness means we condone someone’s actions. That’s not at all the case! I know I am especially bad at this because whenever I’m hurt and someone apologizes, my default is to say, “that’s okay,” even when it definitely is not. It’s okay to not have it be okay. We do not have to dismiss the hurt that we feel in order to make someone else feel more comfortable, nor do we have to rush the forgiveness process because someone is expecting it. And, in fact, sometimes actions are so egregious that we have to trust that our forgiveness comes from God because there are some situations where all we can do is ask God to help us; it feels too big to forgive on our own. Asking for God’s help offering forgiveness in those situations helps us release the anger and the poison we’re holding onto inside of our bodies, but we know it isn’t coming from ourselves.
Forgiveness is not an easy topic to preach on. Because, like most values in Scripture, I have seen it be used for more harm than good, which is not what Jesus intended, in my opinion. But, I can’t deny that I have seen some good too. We are humans living in community and we are all going to make mistakes. We might intentionally or unintentionally cause harm to this beloved community or to others in our lives. And, I think the act of asking for forgiveness is incredibly humbling. It reminds us that we are human, but it also helps to show respect to the person we have harmed.
So thinking about this in the context of the last few weeks, when we talk about forgiveness, how can we do so in love. Without that expectation that someone has to forgive us or has to forgive us immediately, and vice versa. How do we do that in such a way that forgiveness and care for the whole requires a change of action, for the well-being of the whole community? As we gather on this Celebration Sunday, celebrating that we are small, but mighty, this Gospel might not seem like the best fitting theme. But, when we think about it in the context of Jesus’ teachings about what it means to be a healthy community, it might actually work out just fine. So, as we continue to grow our roots here, may we continue to grow from the seeds that the early Christians planted as we discern how we want our church to look today because they were wrestling with these same questions too. How do we live this life together, proclaiming our faith in God through word and deed.